Monday, August 1, 2011

Justin Verlander Beg for Forgiveness from Teammates for Not Being Able to Complete His God Damn No Hitters

Justin Verlander said today this is too much for him to take. He wakes up at night soaked in pee. Justin continued “I can’t forgive myself for pitching 7 1/3 no hitters at an alarmingly regular rate”. He is also worried manager Jim Leyland will think of him as a lesser man.   This is the second time this season Justin pitched seven plus inning no hitters.

Shortly after the 7 1/3 inning no hitter yesterday, Jim ripped Justin in front of everyone in the shower. Jim told him “Boy stop acting like a pansy. Get your god damn crap together and throw that damn ball the same way you threw the previous seven innings.  I am not your damn daddy to coddle you. I don’t care how it gets done. I just want it done. You understand me, good”. Justin said he cried all night.

Carlos Guillen, Justin’s teammate said “I received three “I am sorry” texts today, in the last five hours”. Continued Guillen “We are okay. Everyone make mistakes. This is a long season; he will get more chances to go for no-hitters. Justin needs to do is train hard and concentrate. He need to improve. I told him he can’t think of a perfect game in the eighth inning when he already allowed four walks. Sure he has to earn our respect now. I told him we accept and appreciate his many apologies. And we forgave him. It is time to forget and move forward”.   

Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski added “Missing this no hitter is not Justin’s fault alone. Avila, as his catcher should have asked Justin to pitch same pitches. This wonka, come eighth inning wants Justin to hurl some knuckles and curves. Guy is like the bad fungus never goes away.  There is a conspiracy against Tigers, you shouldn’t forget that. Last year it was Armando’s perfect game that got screwed, now this”.

Added Justin “As Dave said, obviously this is partially Avila’s mess. So, technically I consider this a no hitter. I know it is a difficult decision for a team to keep a pitcher on the rotation who can pitch only seven inning no hitters”.

Justin wants his teammates to know he is truly sorry. “I don’t want to be the guy to bring down the team with seven inning no hitters. I love these guys. They are like my brothers. Obviously I have to try harder to do better. So I can contribute to the team. I want to make them happy and win one for them” Said Justin. “I hope they have kindness in their hearts to forgive me. I really do. I would die for them, no questions asked”.

Justin concluded the press session saying “I felt like I was in an exceptionally good groove there. Obviously, it didn’t help in the eighth. It gave me no damn cushion when I needed it out there. I know it is foolish for a lowly man to dream big but hopefully in the next game I throw a perfect one”.